It’s a jungle out there. Or more precisely a zoo. Any school is more or less a menagerie of caged animals. Think about it, there’s a feeding time and everyone’s desperately trying to mate.

However unlike any good zoo, in the human habitat no one has thought to separate the species into different enclosures, which leads to the sort of carnage normally reserved for the Discovery Channel.

As with zoo animals, there is a food chain in any group of males. Observe the pecking order table below.

Insouciant Lion

Consider our pride leader. He’s not bothered. He basks in the sun while lesser lions tend to his every whim. He doesn’t fight if he can help it. Despite this
laid-back demeanour, you wouldn’t put your head in his mouth because YOU JUST WOULDN’T.

Hugely Visible Eagle

The high flyers. ‘Why can’t you be more like him?’ ask the mothers of lesser birds. Flash, dynamic and over-achieving. Looks like bloody hard work though. The first to start pecking at their own feathers in self-doubt.


Looks sexy, gorgeous, confident and impressive until they open their mouths and a dim-sounding HONK is emitted.

Jabbering Baboon

There are a lot of them and they are noisy. When not screaming for attention, they are flinging poo at one another. Inordinate amount of pressing arses against car windows and frequent public displays of overt sexuality.

Shit Weasel

There is no other name for this type of animal. The shitweasel follows bigger, better animals back to their dens before eating them. Two-faced bastards. Will lie, bullshit and steal to get ahead.

Cloned Sheep

Vast in number, but impossible to tell apart, every sheep is a similar shape, variety and colour. Move in herds, especially in times of danger. Rarely put head above the parapet, lest they end up served with mint sauce.

Tragic Vole

However much he can try to deny it, the vole is prey for just about every animal in the zoo, including some herbivores. Think about it – in what context other than ‘gets eaten by’ would you discuss this creature?

Stick Insect

You don’t even know he’s there.